Extract from 1950 Men’s Weekly
Make an effort to look your best at all times. The plumber/gardener/milkman are never far away. Your wife’s head could easily be turned if you let yourself go. It is also important to keep yourself easy on the eye for the girls at work.
Leisure time is no excuse to let things slide. Keep yourself looking as sharp and smart as possible. Always hang up your coat to keep it pristine, and make sure she keeps your shirts and pants crisply ironed, your trousers in the trouser press and your shoes polished at all times.
Extract from 2018 Men’s Weekly
Dump your anorak and your shoes in the middle of the hall the minute you get home from work, and change into something more comfortable. Your wife likes to see you being able to relax at home so your ‘Frankie Says’ T-shirt from 1985 and silky Umbro shorts (also from 1985) are just the thing.
It is important to keep her interested by not falling into the trap of dressing like a middle aged man. At some point in your 40’s (whenever you deem the moment to be right), invest in some ridiculously uncomfortable skinny jeans and some Nike high tops. She will love your eternally youthful look.
Grooming is for girls. If you absolutely have to do any manner of personal grooming, keep the bathroom door locked at all times. You do not want your wife to think you have gone soft. Seeing her do her ‘lady bits’ could end your marriage, so best she doesn’t see you do yours either.
Keep the toilet seat up. You are the man of the house after all and this is your prerogative.
Being the age of the metrosexual, there is no excuse for lack of personal grooming. Keep all eyebrow, ear and nose hair trimmed. Nobody likes a stray, wiry nose hair. Perform any form of personal grooming openly. Clipping toenails on the carpet while watching Sky Sports is totally acceptable. If she says she finds all the sharp, gnarly nail clippings left all over the floor repulsive, then she’s probably just had a bad day.
Keep the toilet seat up. It’s just much easier for everyone.
Listen to her
Ask your wife once a day how she is. She should always say she is fine. On the odd occasion she does not say she is fine, pretend you have not heard her and go and rearrange your stamp collection. Always be masterful in front of her and do not show any feelings. Feelings are dangerous things and don’t solve anything.
Check in with your wife regularly and ask her how she is feeling. You will obviously have no desire to talk about feelings but it is important to ask anyway. She will mostly want you to ‘just listen’ but it is important to constantly offer solutions. She may get angry about this and say she doesn’t need everything ‘fixed’ all the time but she doesn’t really mean this.
She may seem angry quite a lot. Do not take this personally. If she says she is ‘fine’ then this usually means she hates you. If she decides to tell you the many reasons she is angry, the best thing to do is to zone out. Try to focus on how angry Fergie must have been when he threw that football boot at David Beckham’s head. Your wife’s anger will not seem so bad. Maybe.
Kids are little treasures but are really not your responsibility from Monday to Friday. Your wife should always have them tucked up in bed by the time you get back from work, but weekends are your chance for some ‘dad time’. Get them to help you with ‘dad jobs’ such as washing the car, mowing the lawn and clearing the garden path. This will give your wife some childfree time to get the house ship shape and make you all a hearty roast dinner.
Kids are little treasures and are a joint venture. During the week, try not to show your dismay when you come back from work and they are not ready for bed but instead are ferally racing around the house, high on Fruit Shoots and too much screen time. Your wife will have had a tough day too. Try not to ask your wife why the little treasures are not in bed as this may result in more anger and a shoe being thrown at your head à la Fergie. Probably one of the ones you have just left in the middle of the hall.
Weekends are a joint venture too, though you will be far more tired than your wife and will need a lot of breaks during the day, preferably horizontal ones. This may make your wife angry again but it is for her own good. A bit like Churchill needing a nap everyday. World leaders. Enough said.
This is your wife’s department and she is very skilled at it. She was born to do it after all. If she ever asks you to help with any domestic chores, then pretend you have not heard her and go and rearrange your stamp collection.
The housework should be a joint venture but we all know this just doesn’t work. You should occasionally attempt to fill the dishwasher, but make sure you stack all the dishes in the wrong places, making her realise she is just so much better at it than you. On the rare occasions you clear up after dinner, make sure you do a ‘half job.’ This involves clearing away half the dirty dishes, and leaving the rest of them piled up in the sink. When she gets angry about the mess you leave lying around, try to explain to her that you just can’t see mess. Like, you literally can’t see it. It’s a condition you were born with.
Try to relax as much as possible at home so as to make sure you have the energy to be a good, strong, reliable husband. Make sure your wife is happy in her domestic duties, buying her a new pinny for each birthday and some marigolds for Christmas.
Try to realise that you will never be able to do anything as well as your wife and that she is always right. She will micromanage all situations while making you feel as though you have had a say. She is very clever. If you remind yourself, and her, of that regularly, life will be sweet.
Please note that Men’s Weekly is a completely fictional publication made up for the use of S.H.I.T. only.