You regularly clocked 8 full hours of uninterrupted sleep
Yes, you heard me correctly.
No blasted 1am wee-wees rearing their ugly head, when your pelvic floors are tested to the max. But after 45 minutes you have to admit defeat, that wee-wee is not going away, so it’s wearily off to the loo you pad.
No 3.40am head spin panics about really, really important problems such as how you may have dropped a giant chocolate button on the pavement outside your house after dinner, as you’d tried to shovel as many of those beautiful brown discs into your gob as possible without anyone seeing. You’d just had a huge curry and everyone else was saying how they couldn’t eat another thing for a week, so you had to pretend to take the bins out so you could do some secret eating, alone, in the dark.
OMG you are a secret eater.
But the next door neighbour’s cute little sausage dog might find the chocolate button, wolf it, and die because don’t dogs die when they eat chocolate? You’ll have to go outside now and check if the chocolate button is still there. In fact you have to text your neighbour right THIS MINUTE. Oh no, you can’t, it’s now 4am and the rest of the world is OK because they’re all asleep, unlike poor little you.
And just imagine not wanting to smother your partner every night when the snoring kicks in, and the fecker is blissfully clocking a gorgeous full 8 hours.
8 hours only ever happens once every 5 years let’s face it, but just think what you could achieve if it was a regular thing. You might even be nice to live with.
Domestic sloppiness didn’t infuriate you
You simply didn’t let it tip you over the edge anymore that NOBODY else ever puts anything in the dishwater. Unless you hold them in a headlock until they do, and then you find everything in stupid places, and you realise you may as well have done it yourself because you have to rearrange the whole thing anyway.
Or you see thousands of brand new felt tip pens strewn on the floor with their tops off, but you just skip away giggling at the fact that they will all dry out in a matter of minutes.
Or you ask your partner to hang the washing up (headlock probably required again) and he (or she, but probably he) has managed to find room on the clothes horse for every single item by layering everything on top of one another. T-shirts on top of towels. Pants on top of jeans. Nothing is dry 4 days later. But it’s OK that you’ve now got a backlog of 3 days of washing and lots of foosty damp clothes. C’est la vie.
You find empty boxes of cereal or an empty jar of coffee put back in the cupboard. No problem that you had no idea that there were no cocoa pops left because THERE WAS AN EMPTY BOX PUT BACK IN THE CUPBOARD. It’s cool.
You’d live in a permanent haze of dreamy relaxation as you wandered around your home, despite the fact that you sense you might find Withnail and I living there too.
Your date cancels before you have to
You’ve arranged a Tuesday night out with a friend because when you booked it months ago, thinking about it was fine.
But it’s a Tuesday night FFS, what were you thinking? And your pjs and fluffy slippers are calling you, as well as three episodes of Cold Feet on Sky Plus.
You’re about to send a guilt text saying ‘really soz to cancel but got killing sore throat and feeling well rough.???? Think bed is best place for me.???? Really gutted not to see you. ???? ???? ???? ????’ (the guilt requires three of the kissy ones).
Then just as you’re about to press send, your phone goes ping, and they’ve got in there first. The utter euphoria.
You didn’t get middle aged spots
You didn’t have to feel that horror every time a crater erupts on your chin. It may be only 3-4 times a year these days but when it happens, it happens big, and you have to go through that 24 hour angst when you know you shouldn’t touch it. I mean you’ve been walking the walk for 25 years now, you know the drill. But you just can’t help yourself. Every. Single. Time. You attack and inevitably what was huge, becomes gigantuan. Even your kids stare at it when you’re shouting at them.
But you’ve suddenly got Keira Knightley skin (just a bit more leathery). Never a blemish in sight. Trusty Rimmel cover-up, be gone with you.
Your kids didn’t moan
Yes you heard me, they just didn’t moan about anything, ever.
Not about not being allowed on a screen 24 hours a day. Not every single time you attempt to feed them something that doesn’t resemble a pizza or chicken nugget. Not about actually having to tidy up the mess they have created by getting every single toy out of the cupboard. Not even about being the only child in the entire universe who hasn’t got their own iPhone.
Not a peep.
Only gratitude and praise for the wonderful job you do every day looking after them.
Let me just take a moment to enjoy that one. That would make life so very sweet.
What would make your life sweet, my lovely fellow S.H.I.T.s?
Oh I hear you! Last night I got in to a terrible fluster over a blooming pumpkin, 2 hours later and I’d moved from giant orange blobs to worrying about just where exactly the sellotape was. I’m so tired and the sellotape was where it always is! How much night nurse do I need to take for 8 hours?!
Author
I had a stint with Night Nurse too! But then I was such a zombie the next day on it, I couldn’t function anyway, so kind of defeated the purpose! I’ve had similar flusters with sellotape – ended up weeping about losing it once, when I realised it was right there in front of me. What is it with sellotape and the stress it causes? Thx for commenting x
I usually get about 7… which i actually find enough! Any more and i feel lethargic all day! Bed by 11pm and the three year old wakes us up by 6-6:30! Still get the odd spot mind you… 😉
Author
Don’t we all! Thought at least with middle age one of the benefits would be clear skin but it would seem not. 7 hours is awesome. You must feel like superman every day! Thx for commenting.
LOL – for me, it would be if I didn’t mind having an audience whenever I take a shower. If I was totally fine with having a heart attack every time I lean down to pick up the soap and am suddenly eye ball to eye ball with a tiny face pressed up against the other side of the shower door…. she’s some kind of bathroom ninja sneak, gets me every bloody time… #FridayFrolics
Author
Don’t be ridiculous – having a shower in peace?! Crazy idea. Even sitting on the loo in peace – another crazy idea! One day and then we’ll be gutted because the kids will lock themselves in their rooms and we won’t be allowed within 100 metres of them. Thx for reading x
Love it- and worryingly, a lot rings true!!! ooh life without moaning!! #FabFridayPost
Author
Life without moaning would be divine. And no bickering…just imagine how sweet that would be! Thx for reading x
The first sentence made me feel wistful… 8 hours uninterrupted… bliss. Very amusing post and the dishwasher bit so true… keep em coming K x
Author
I’m sure Mr C is always stacking the dishwasher beautifully K! ha ha! xxxxx
I can relate to the middle aged spots and the no sleep. It’s basically like I am a teenager still. Yet as a teenager I chose to stay awake because I was having fun, now I’m awake because I am worrying. The spots still cause me the same teenage angst though. Argh. #FridayFrolics
Author
It’s such irony isn’t it that we’re actually still living the teenage life of lack of sleep and spots but for all the wrong reasons. Never thought I’d covet sleep so much but I so do. Thx for reading and hosting #FridayFrolics x
Thankfully my sleepless nights are behind me! Our girls (5) share our bed overnight but they tend to sleep through! Thanks for joining in with #ThatFridayLinky
Author
Glad you’re clocking the 8 hours. It’s not the kids that wake me up these days, it’s my motherhead spinning and being unable to switch off. Argh! Thx for reading x
Yes please to ALL of these! I would also like someone else to take over the organising of our life so it wasn’t all on me. Oh and someone else to cook too! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics
Author
Someone else cooking would be divine wouldn’t it? Best bit about going on holiday for me, except if we go self catering, then of course it’s much the same in a different kitchen! Thx for reading and hosting #FridayFrolics x
I bet I get one of those spots in time for Saturday. See you then – I am dying to meet you!
Author
I’ve just got rid of one, so I’m hoping I might be clear for Saturday! Can’t wait to meet you too. x
yea, these would be pretty sweet. I guess asking for people to not be such slobs really would be too much to ask, I’d settle for a way to not be infuriated by it #thatfridaylinky
Author
Agree, perhaps my children could actually clear up after themselves – just imagine?! Thx for reading x
I hope you aren’t holding your breath. My biggest slob over here is actually my wife to be honest #brillblogposts
Author
I hope my post wasn’t sexist – I’m well aware that women can be total slobs too! I used to be pre-kids then I became a control freak about the house. Drives Mr S.H.I.T. mad. Thx for reading.
Oh my goodness this would all be amazing! Not sure what I’d do if I had to pick only one…? The kids not moaning would be utterly amazing, but that feeling of someone cancelling plans (just happened to me earlier) before you had to do it is one of the best feelings ever! 🙂 #FabFridayPost
Author
Not moaning kids and people cancelling just before you have to – yup, agree these would be utterly blissful. What about a fairy putting all the clean clothes away in the cupboards. I seem to spend so much of my spare time doing that and I hate it! Or perhaps somebody else in my family could actually help me – as if?! Thx for reading x
It’s got to be the kids whining! It’s the one that grates on me more than anything. And life would also be sweet if I had a robot to do the washing and sandwhich making. Then I’d be super happy! #dreamteam
Author
My biggest is the kids bickering – it does my head in! It would be so very sweet if they just got on, even if only for 50% of the time. A robot sounds a fabulous idea especially for the washing which I HATE! Thx for reading x
I do pretty well on the sleep front to be honest. I’d be happy without having to have conversations about random crap through the bathroom door when I’m bathing/showering/toileting. #TweensTeensBeyond
Author
Imagine just showering/weeing/applying make-up in the bathroom in utter peace – can’t actually imagine it anymore! Thx for reading x
My teens or even my husband volunteering to pair the piles of socks in the laundry basket or noticing the piles of neatly ironed clothes at the bottom of the stairs and having the initiative to pick their own pile up and take it to their room all by themselves! Good luck for Saturday. #TweensTeensBeyond
Author
Wouldn’t that be lovely? Imagine if they actually put some of their own clothes away (that includes Mr S.H.I.T.!)? The sweetness of it all. Ah, we can dream. Thx for reading and hosting #Tweensteensbeyond xx
Ooh it’s the awards isn’t it. Sorry random but just occurred to me. Wishing you so much love and luck. And as for this post – bloody brilliant. This is the way to do it. I can tick loads of those off – except I am what you may refer to as S.H.I.T. dishwasher stacker but I more than make up for it in other ways!! Thanks for sharing with #tweensteensbeyond
Author
Thanks lovely Nicky – I shall obviously let you know how the awards go – big thank you for all your support since I started back in Feb. I am shocked you are a S.H.I.T. dishwasher stacker but you’ve made me laugh! Thx for reading and hosting #tweensteensbeyond xx
Yes keep us in live updates x
LOL @ the friends canceling before you. It is so true. #fabfridaypost
Author
It’s terrible isn’t it, but I love it when friends cancel first when I really can’t be bothered leaving the house! Definitely getting old! Thx for reading x
ha ha ha I’m so with you on all of these. and OMG those flippin’ spots! WTAF?!! You do make me giggle lots so thank you for the smiles over my morning coffee. Have the best day gorgeous xx #fortheloveofBLOG
Author
Got a corker on my chin as we speak which seems to be taking weeks to disappear – really thought by my age at least my skin would be clear, if a a little more lined! So happy I made you giggle – that’s made my day! Thx for reading xx
Oh that sucks! Can’t wait to meet you Saturday! Pop a plaster on it!!!
Author
I think it might be on the way out – nothing Rimmel cover up won’t sort! Phew. Can’t wait to meet you too x
I’d be thrilled with NO MOANING! Please, someone tell me how to do that? I will promise not to sleep, or clean, or whine… Just help stop the moan! #ThatFridayLinky #FabFridayPost xoxo
Author
Stop the moan! I love it! Life would be so very different, and so very sweet wouldn’t it? Thx for reading xx
Oh how I dream of uninterrupted sleep. Yes I’m aware of the irony in that.
Author
If only you could dream for 8 hours solid! Thx for reading.
Brilliant list. Ah yes, the food issue. If only I could serve up a meal and everyone congratulate me on my culinary expertise and then tell me to sit on the sofa whilst they clear away. I wish! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond
Author
Imagine the joy of having everything cleared away, instead of turning round to find everyone has decided they’ll just leave the table and leave all the plates etc sitting there for the wonderful little clearing up fairy to sort out! Thx for reading and hosting #TweensTeensBeyond x
My little baby is two and half yrs old. And still I am waiting for the 8 hrs uninterrupted sleep. He wakes up twice midnight and want feed. #Tweens Teens Beyond
Author
That’s tough. It took my middle child 3 years till she slept through and that was with the help of a sleep trainer in the end. I was deranged! Thx for reading.
This is perfect! I’m not sure what else I would add to this list – maybe someone else could chauffeur my family to our every night dance classes. I was going to say that the kids could quit taking lessons, but then I realized that would mean they would be home EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I’m not quite down for that either…
~Jess
#StayClassyMama
Author
A chauffeur would be very useful, or some kind of child-friendly nanny service that takes kids to clubs and drops them back safely. Thx for reading x
Love this & think I can relate to pretty much all of this. For me it’s how the kids & hubby find the way of creating dumping grounds where there is no need too i.e. the stairs, the radiator covers! #twinklytuesday
Author
Agree, we have dumping grounds pretty much everywhere you could dump something. Thx for reading x
Ha ha I’m spitting out my tea. Did you follow me around for a week and write this post about my actual life? (Except it was Monday not Tuesday that got blown out, and the clothes were towels on the towel rack…)
Nice work… hilarious.
Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub!
Author
Ah, towels on the towel rack…soooo annoying! So glad your Monday night got blown out – that would have just been ridic! Thx for reading x
This would be heaven! Just one day without moaning would be nice lol.
#brillblogposts
Author
An hour would do me! Thx for reading x
oh my days this is so my life!Last week I had a full 3 day anxious/paranoid phase. It just wouldn’t go.Im convinced it’s because I run round like a twat all the time worrying/juggling then worrying/juggling etc.It’s not clever!Anyhoo great post.Loved it.#brilliantblogposts
Author
Hope this week is feeling more under control. I definitely spend weeks running around like a twat all the time, worrying about ridic things. Wish the motherhead would just switch off sometimes. Thx for reading x
I’m totally a secret eater, lol. Anxiety must be in the air because I’ve been abnormally on edge. Eight hours of sleep per night would be incredible!! Where do I sign up? Dropping by from #StayClassyMama hope you’re having a great weekend!
Author
Secret eating is my forte. I can be find often squirrelling extra food away while hiding in strange places in my house after one of those ‘big meals’ when Mr S.H.I.T. has already said how full he is! Glad it’s not just me. Thx for reading x
I don’t want to leave this page. I just wanna sit here and stare at it and dream a little longer!! #fortheloveofBLOG
Author
I know, the dreams are too good aren’t they?! Thx for reading x
Haha! I never ask my OH to put wet clothes on the maiden to dry anymore because he does exactly this! So annoying. 8 hours sleep would be amaaaaazing! x
#coolmumclub
Author
Don’t think hanging up clothes sensibly so that they all actually get dry computes in most men’s brains! Thx for reading x
Mine right now would be that the baby slept in his cot all night long. We bed share and I wake up in so much pain from being squished. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Author
I’m keeping everything crossed that your little one decides very soon that sleeping in his cot would actually be a very good idea. Thx for reading x
I love it when people cancel before you get to send your excuse… literally makes that night in so much better hahahaaha!
Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back tomorrow!
Author
It’s a euphoric moment isn’t it?! Thx for sharing and hosting #TriumphantTales
Haha! What if I got 8hrs sleep a night… that’s the dream right? 😉 Was lovely to finally meet you on Saturday! x
Author
It could happen once every 5 years! Great to meet you too x
I would LOVE to be able to eat my tea (in peace) at a normal tea-time, by the time I’ve sorted everyone out it’s always 10 o’clock 🙁
Thanks for linking up to #StayClassyMama
Author
I hear you, I just pick and pick and pick for hours until I finally drag my sorry ars off to bed at about 11pm. Thx for reading and commenting x
Haha – yes if the kids didn’t moan! That would be amazing! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics
The sleep, I would love to get a decent night’s sleep right now. #FridayFrolics
Author
I reckon the full 8 hours happens about twice a year! Thx for commenting x