Step away from the underboob bikinis and the teeny, tiny, stringy thongs. You may be addicted to Love Island but a spritely 24 year old minx you are not. And while you tut disapprovingly at the Love Island girls’ hungry bums, inside we all know you’re secretly tempted to give the minuscule bikini a try. But your bum will be starving. In fact, not just starving. Famished. As if it has been swept up on a barren island in the outer Hebrides for 90 days with nothing to eat but bird poo. Let’s face it, you may never find the thong again.
Structure is the name of the game these days. A good padded bikini top with underwire, so you’re not having to check every 2 minutes that your ‘snooker ball in a sock’ boob has slipped out the side (please note that I speak for myself with this description – I’m sure many of you still have pneumatic 34DDs).
Smear factor 50 all over that beautiful face. And your bod. Obviously we all used to cover ourselves in baby oil with gay abandon, hoping to frazzle like a Findus Crispy Pancake. This was an 80’s / 90’s rite of passage, not forgetting having the sticky residue of lemon juice with a few rogue pips in our hair, because obviously we were all going to go Pammy Anderson blonde with this cunning trick.
My mother tried to tell me I’d be sorry if I didn’t use sun protection, but what did she know back then, I scoffed. Actually, quite a lot it would turn out. And now we all know the danger of UV rays, not only for skin cancer but also for premature ageing, and nobody wants to turn out looking like a human Shar Pei, let’s face it.
Summer school stuff
Try to remain calm each day when you see another 145 emails in your inbox concerning the end of year productions, sports day, concerts, countless mufti days and prizegivings. Try to remain even more calm when Mr S.H.I.T. reluctantly agrees to lessen your load by doing one of the shifts you’ve signed up for at the summer fair, only to spot him having the the time of his life with a cold lager on the go, while flirting with Hot Mum as he twists the tombola with gay abandon. How does he always manage to have so much more fun than you?
There will be an abundance of sporting events on this summer to feast your eyes upon. Mr S.H.I.T. may suggest he cannot lift a finger at any point when the World Cup is on (what’s new there then, you mutter under your breath) but you have every right to take the same stance, whether you like football or not. The kids will be feral and the house will resemble something from Shameless, but one summer of chaos won’t hurt anyone. You might just have to get the little S.H.I.T.s to learn how to use the washing machine if they want any clean clothes – let’s face it, you will be doing the precious snowflakes a favour.
Get glitter on your cheeks, a tasselled waistcoat, your Doc Martin boots from 1992, and rings on your fingers and bells on your toes because it’s festival time. And you’re never too old to share in the love of music. Whatever takes your fancy, from Liam Gallagher at Finsbury Park to camping at Bestival with the kids (for the more brave of you), nothing screams summer more than plastic pints of lager, stinky portaloos (just don’t look down into the ‘bowl’ whatever you do), and feeling that you really are back in 1992 except you no longer have to worry what your mum will say when she spots that hickey on your neck. But let’s face it, hickeys have been non existent in your life since 1988.
Food and Drink
When the sun is shining, strange things happen and you will feel the urge to be drinking icy cold alcoholic beverages by 4pm every day (even if you swore you wouldn’t touch another Aperol Spritz again in your life at 7am that very morning). The sun is a partner in crime with the devil’s potion. And also has shares in salty snacks.
You will chastise yourself most mornings with the debris of 375 Pringles in your teeth and a furry mouth, and will swear that you will only eat light salads until Christmas Day. The sun will then cast its wicked spell on you by 3.30pm when you are craving a cheese toastie and a lovely cold lager. And off you go again. But it’s OK. Life is good when the sun shines, and think of all that Vitamin D doing you wonders.
Happy Summer all you lovely S.H.I.T. ladies, whatever you’re up to. Enjoy every minute. x