Health & wellbeing (active)
Play as much sport as possible while the weather is fine. It’s vital to keep fit and healthy in middle age. Golf is preferable as it’s a great way to get out in the fresh air for a good 4 hours, as well as giving Mrs S.H.I.T. a whole day to bond with the kids. Also it can be very lucrative for work purposes. In fact this is a clever way of explaining the importance of golf to your wife. Think of yourself as Leonardo di Caprio in the Wolf of Wall Street making big balls’ deals on the 18th green.
Any sport, however, is beneficial to your overall wellbeing – cycling, running, triathlon, swimming. The more time spent doing it, the better. It’s beneficial to everyone that you relax and clear your headspace for a few hours so that you can return to the family hub full of energy – Super Fun Daddy doesn’t just happen without serious training.
Health & wellbeing (sedentary)
When you are not actually playing sport, it’s very important to switch off by watching it. And what better time of year to do so than the summer months when there is an abundance of sporting events to feast your eyes upon?
The World Cup is obviously a priority, even if England predictably get knocked out early doors. When they are not playing it is still important to watch all the other matches that Sky Sports are showing. Poland v. Colombia on 24 June at 7pm, for example, is a must.
Mrs S.H.I.T. may not understand this, and will probably start ‘humphing’ and muttering under her breath as she tidies up around you. Remind yourself (and her) that the World Cup only happens once every 4 years. If you hear words such as dickhead or divorce amongst her mutterings, then it’s probably best just to momentarily pop Gary Neville on mute until she has left the room.
As well as the football of course there’s Wimbledon, the Tour de France, the Open, England v. India Test Series, the European Sports Championships, and to finish off this divine orgy of 2018 summer sports, the Ryder Cup at the end of September. Happy days.
Summer School stuff
Remain detached from all school admin and await instructions from Mrs S.H.I.T. She’s so good at that kind of thing.
Be unperturbed when she tells you she’s volunteered you for a shift on the coconut shy at the summer fair and immediately swap it for the bar. The bar is much more fun and everyone will think you’re a right laugh when you do your cool juggling tricks with the bottles of Peroni. Think Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
The only person who might not think you’re a right laugh is your dear wife, but do not be disheartened by the filthy looks she may fire your way, especially if she thinks you’ve had any of the drinks yourself. She’ll calm down when she realises you’re the talk of the playground on Monday morning with words such a ‘epic’ and ‘legend’ being banded around.
Summer is, of course, the time of year when you come into your own on the cooking front. You can really take things into your own hands with your great barbecue skills. It’s your domain. Your thang. And boy are you good at it. In fact, don’t let anyone else near it apart from other members of the male species who will also claim to be highly skilled with the tongs. They won’t be as good as you though so don’t let them have a go, but do allow them to crowd round the barbie with some cold lager to keep you company, and talk to you about the highlights of the many sporting events listed above.
Seeing as you’ve done the hard slog of getting the barbie going (even if it’s a gas one), slapping the meat on, turning it at just the right time and dishing it out, do not attempt any clearing up. Remember Mrs S has her own special ‘way’ of filling the dishwasher and likes to be in full control.
It’s important to drink lots of cold lager after work with colleagues in the summer in order to discuss work things. It’s also a good time to drink lots of cold lager with old mates to catch up on all their news. And don’t forget drinking lots of cold lager with new mates – that bloke who always gets the same train home as you…I bet he likes cold lager.
And last but not least, summer is the perfect time of year to show your darling wife just how much you love her. She may not seem to enjoy indulging in as many of the above activities as you do, but why not do a little something to show her how much you appreciate her support in your indulgence of them?
Showering her with gifts is certainly an option, but even better would be an all expenses paid minibreak to Lake Como, or perhaps Ibiza, with the girls. You must assure her she doesn’t need to worry about a thing while she is away as you have taken care of everything. In the meantime, put in an SOS call to your mother to come and take over. It’s a treat for Granny to spend time with the little S.H.I.T.s after all, so you’re actually doing her a favour. Plus, you had promised to play golf with the boys you used to go to cubs with and you really shouldn’t let them down.
Mrs S.H.I.T. is currently in Lake Como (in her dreams) and will be back soon with her own tips for a top summer.