Are you ready for summer or happier keeping your bits covered in swathes of baggy wool for the rest of the year?
Do the S.H.I.T. quiz to find out what kind of summer person you really are.
The sun is finally out, the temperatures are soaring, and with it, the tunes are bursting with summer hope. Do you:
A) get Summertime on full blast because you, The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff all know that here it is, the groove slightly transformed, it’s just a bit of a break from the norm, just a little somethin’ to break the monotony, of all that hardcore dance that has gotten to be…a little bit out of control?
B) keep getting chased down the road by the pub manager because you’ve listened to so much Club Tropicana? And we all know what George & Andrew told us about the drinks…
C) play Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘Hazy Shade of Winter’, with your new cashmere jumper on and the curtains drawn.
Hot, sticky days mean a lot more hot, sticky flesh on display. Do you:
A) go full throttle with the St Tropez before you go to bed and wake up 50 shades of Donald Trump with an orange imprint of your face on the pillow?
B) decide to embrace the pale & interesting look (nobody enjoyed the orange sideburns you were sporting last year), and go 50 shades of grey?
C) really not give two hoots what shade of vampire you are, you intend to cover yourself up from head to toe anyway?
The rest of the world seems to be excitedly planning their summer holidays. Do you:
A) book a two week package to a very hot country and start popping inflatables (not literally, because that would obviously defeat the purpose) into your Amazon basket? Those unicorn ones sold out by June last year after all.
B) decide it’s passé to go abroad and plan a rustic escape to the middle of nowhere in deepest Dorset with no wifi or flushing toilet? It’ll stop you wasting your life fannying around on Instagram for a start.
C) decide that you are far too busy to go on holiday? Holidays take too much planning. You don’t have time to respond to the five WhatsApp messages that are sitting on your phone right now stressing you out, never mind plan a trip away. And all that packing…
Long balmy summer evenings mean you are generally thirsty for icy cold alcoholic beverages from 4pm onwards everyday. Do you:
A) buy bottles of rosé in bulk from Lidl because it’s summer and that’s just what you do?
B) reignite your love for Aperol Spritz even though you haven’t touched one since the end of September and haven’t actually given this lucozade-like drink a second thought since?
C) drink more hot chocolate and mulled wine than you did in the run up to Christmas?
All your bits that were happily Chewbacca hairy in the winter months, are now in danger of being exposed. Do you:
A) get yourself electrolysised to within an inch of your life? It may feel like elastic bands being pinged all over your privates for six consecutive weeks but you’ll be forever smooth.
B) give your legs a quick once over with that rusty old Lady Shave that’s been sitting on the edge of the bath since last summer? It may not be giving you the closest shave, but a little stubble and the odd nick here and there is better than exposing the public to The Grinch.
C) let the hairy bits continue to grow? They’ll keep you warm when you’re sitting in a cold, air conditioned room, wishing it was November.
There’s no avoiding that you have to get your feet out in order to wear any kind of summer footwear. Do you:
A) get a pedicure ASAP and have your toes painted a pretty coral pink? You can’t wait to get your new gladiator sandals on.
B) give your gnarly, old toenails a quick trim, and have a go with that Body Shop pedi home kit you were given as your work Secret Santa gift in 2002?
C) love your cosy, thick socks and will not be giving them up ever.
Summer is festival time. Do you:
A) mourn for Glasto this year but do not waste any time in getting tickets for another festival? Summer wouldn’t be the same without camping in a field for two nights, sharing dry shampoo with strangers and pretending you’re 19 again.
B) feel that an evening at Hampton Court Palace Festival is about as ‘festival’ as you can manage these days, but if you put on your welly boots and don your vintage tassley top, you can at least pretend (after 15 of the aforementioned Aperol Spritzs) that you’re Kate Moss?
C) think that festivals sound like your idea of hell? Thousands of sweaty, smelly, silly people getting drunk and thinking it’s 1992. A night in watching Home Alone 2 with a hot cup of cocoa is much more your thing.
Mostly A’s: You love summer. In fact, your name should be Summer. You embrace the sun, the flesh, the orange tidemarks round your face and you are truly, truly happy at this time of year. Almost too happy. It can only go one way for you when autumn kicks in.
Mostly B’s: Don’t get me wrong, you’re all for the sunshine boosting your serotonin and a few cold beers in the evenings, but you’re not a slave to summer. You enjoy all the seasons. You’ll be just as excited about big chunky knits and red wine when the leaves start to change colour.
Mostly C’s: You hate summer. Everything about it. The sun streaming through the windows in the mornings and those pesky tweeting birds waking you up. The amount of naked flesh on show which is quite frankly downright unnecessary and most unpleasant. And the pavements outside pubs full of overexcited summery people, just getting in your way. Roll on those long, cold, winter months. Life feels much safer then.