- First basic warning, expect your first family ski holiday to be the most unrelaxing holiday you have ever been on. Some may even go as far as to say, it’s a shit fest.
- Do not be alarmed when your children cry every single morning, sobbing that they don’t want to go to their lesson because their instructor is not ‘kind’ and doesn’t speak English. You can’t really blame them when you meet ‘Pierre’ as he is the most pissed off person in the world. He clearly hates children, especially stupid British ones who can’t even speak French and are crap at skiing.
- Do not attempt to flirt with Pierre every time you pick up your ‘stupid’ British kids from their lesson. You will never crack that arrogant ski instructor ‘tude that is apparently compulsory when they sign up for the job. You are nothing but a stupid British middle aged mum who has dodgy ski gear, and looks very tired.
- On that note, do not even for a minute think that you can attempt to look cool on the slopes like you did in your 20’s (and you probably didn’t even then – it’s a hard task for a Brit to carry off the cool ski look). You now don’t stand a hope in hell with your wobbly bum and muffin top.
- For all the reasons above, get yourself some new stuff that fits and is comfortable. No point in trying to save money by squeezing into your C&A Rodeo kit. You’ll not only be uncomfortable, but you’ll also look like a major tool.
- Do not go thinking you might lose weight and tone up with all that hardcore skiing you will be doing. You will eat your own body weight in baguettes and big, fat, creamy French cheese, and will find yourself eating big, fat, creamy cheese whenever you can. You will also drink more alcohol than you have done for years. Vodka at 11am is very appealing.
- Do not envisage hours of fun skiing and larking about throwing snowballs with your pals, like one of the extras in Wham’s Last Christmas video. You may be sporting the same dodgy 80’s gear if you insist on keeping the kit of your youth, but that’s about as close as you’ll get. You might want to throw a snowball packed with rocks at your husband’s head at times, but once you have completed the marathon of getting everyone up the mountain, you will have little energy left for anything other than stuffing your face with croissants.
- You will wake up every morning with a hangover as you drink yourself into oblivion every night to numb the pain of the day. The sinking realisation will kick in each day at 7am that you have to do it all again. You will ask yourself why the hell did you come here when you could be watching Holly and Phil at home while Paddy (your ipad nanny) and his iPad friends look after your kids.
- For heavens sake don’t forget to make sure Paddy comes with you for the week with some of his mates. He will be needed every minute you are not trudging up that slope.
- If you are going with your husband or partner, you will hate each other the entire time and everything crap about it will be his or her fault.
- There is an abundance of twats on ski holidays – most of these are of the British variety. They are loud, obnoxious, ruddy cheeked, and usually pickled in Jaegermeister. Try to avoid such twats as much as you can. You may have once thought they were quite fun after a few too many yourself, but now you are here on your family ski holiday, you will find them hideously embarrassing, and will roll your eyes in solidarity with the elegant Scandinavian family. Or you might just go straight in with the dickhead hand gesture – I’m pretty sure that’s universal.
- All of the above aside, you will see your children skiing at the end of the week and you will be amazed. It will make the whole stressful, exhausting experience worthwhile. And you’ll find yourself booking for next year.
Please know that this is all very tongue and cheek and I hope not to have offended any of you diehard skiing fans. It’s great fun really!