Mrs S.H.I.T.’s top tips for your first family ski holiday

 

first family ski holiday

What a picturesque scene – however, do not be fooled…

  • First basic warning, expect your first family ski holiday to be the most unrelaxing holiday you have ever been on. Some may even go as far as to say, it’s a shit fest.

 

  • Do not be alarmed when your children cry every single morning, sobbing that they don’t want to go to their lesson because their instructor is not ‘kind’ and doesn’t speak English. You can’t really blame them when you meet ‘Pierre’ as he is the most pissed off person in the world. He clearly hates children, especially stupid British ones who can’t even speak French and are crap at skiing.

 

  • Do not attempt to flirt with Pierre every time you pick up your ‘stupid’ British kids from their lesson. You will never crack that arrogant ski instructor ‘tude that is apparently compulsory when they sign up for the job. You are nothing but a stupid British middle aged mum who has dodgy ski gear, and looks very tired.

 

  • On that note, do not even for a minute think that you can attempt to look cool on the slopes like you did in your 20’s (and you probably didn’t even then – it’s a hard task for a Brit to carry off the cool ski look). You now don’t stand a hope in hell with your wobbly bum and muffin top.

 

  • For all the reasons above, get yourself some new stuff that fits and is comfortable. No point in trying to save money by squeezing into your C&A Rodeo kit. You’ll not only be uncomfortable, but you’ll also look like a major tool.

 

  • Do not go thinking you might lose weight and tone up with all that hardcore skiing you will be doing. You will eat your own body weight in baguettes and big, fat, creamy French cheese, and will find yourself eating big, fat, creamy cheese whenever you can. You will also drink more alcohol than you have done for years. Vodka at 11am is very appealing.

 

  • Do not envisage hours of fun skiing and larking about throwing snowballs with your pals, like one of the extras in Wham’s Last Christmas video. You may be sporting the same dodgy 80’s gear if you insist on keeping the kit of your youth, but that’s about as close as you’ll get. You might want to throw a snowball packed with rocks at your husband’s head at times, but once you have completed the marathon of getting everyone up the mountain, you will have little energy left for anything other than stuffing your face with croissants.

 

  • You will wake up every morning with a hangover as you drink yourself into oblivion every night to numb the pain of the day. The sinking realisation will kick in each day at 7am that you have to do it all again. You will ask yourself why the hell did you come here when you could be watching Holly and Phil at home while Paddy (your ipad nanny) and his iPad friends look after your kids.

 

  • For heavens sake don’t forget to make sure Paddy comes with you for the week with some of his mates. He will be needed every minute you are not trudging up that slope.

 

  • If you are going with your husband or partner, you will hate each other the entire time and everything crap about it will be his or her fault.

 

  • There is an abundance of twats on ski holidays – most of these are of the British variety. They are loud, obnoxious, ruddy cheeked, and usually pickled in Jaegermeister. Try to avoid such twats as much as you can. You may have once thought they were quite fun after a few too many yourself, but now you are here on your family ski holiday, you will find them hideously embarrassing, and will roll your eyes in solidarity with the elegant Scandinavian family. Or you might just go straight in with the dickhead hand gesture – I’m pretty sure that’s universal.

 

  • All of the above aside, you will see your children skiing at the end of the week and you will be amazed. It will make the whole stressful, exhausting experience worthwhile. And you’ll find yourself booking for next year.

 

Enjoy!

 

Please know that this is all very tongue and cheek and I hope not to have offended any of you diehard skiing fans. It’s great fun really!

 

 

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18 Comments

  1. Rosa
    February 10, 2017 / 10:03 pm

    OMG – I’m so glad we aren’t the only ones….

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      February 19, 2017 / 8:51 pm

      Hi lovely, just been and it was the usual shit fest but great too! x

  2. GA
    February 13, 2017 / 9:51 am

    Sounds great fun. I thought skiing was supposed to be the perfect hangover cure?!

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      February 19, 2017 / 8:39 pm

      It is indeed, lots of boozage drunk, and not a hangover in sight! Thx for the comment G xx

  3. Kim Hay
    March 4, 2017 / 11:09 pm

    Bahahaah! This cracked me up! My days dancing on the tables until 4am are over

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      March 22, 2017 / 10:05 pm

      Me too, in bed by 10pm with a cup of cocoa! Thx for reading x

  4. March 23, 2017 / 2:32 pm

    This was a hilarious read! I’ve only been skiing once – very unsuccessfully. Haven’t even attempted it after we had kids. But when I see the pictures on facebook of family ski holidays – it all looks like one big happy family having fun!
    #tweenteensbeyond

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      March 23, 2017 / 4:15 pm

      It’s very hard work but one of those weird ones, on reflection, it’s brilliant and I want to go back! Moments of extreme stress and moments of delirious joy. Thx for reading. Maybe you’ll get back on those slopes one day soon….x #tweensteensbeyond

  5. March 23, 2017 / 5:13 pm

    You aren’t selling it Susie! Which is absolutely fine because whilst I’d love for my daughter to ski, I’m terrified of heights and something that was my dream as a child is my nightmare as an adult. I do feel like I’ve failed the Kid in not getting her there but you’ve made me realise I was doing the right thing by everyone now. Thank you and up with ‘C&A’! Nicky #TweensTeensBeyond

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      March 24, 2017 / 10:11 pm

      Hey Nicky, you have not failed the Kid, merely saved yourself from extreme high blood pressure and embarrassment in C&A gear – if you ever had any – it was the biz! Thx for commenting x

  6. March 24, 2017 / 9:28 am

    Yes! I love it. A back problem means that skiing is one of life’s experiences that will have to pass me by and I was too selfish to take the kids on a skiing holiday when I couldn’t do it! My middle daughter is going on a ski trip with school next year so hopefully she’ll enjoy it. Brilliantly written! Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond. Hope to see you next week.

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      March 24, 2017 / 10:10 pm

      You have cunningly got out of it and the school doing it instead of you is genius! It’s actually wonderful at times, and so stressful at others. Lots of booze needed! Thx for having at #TweensTeensBeyond x

  7. March 24, 2017 / 1:29 pm

    This really made me laugh. I’m not really a ski kind of girl. I’m the girl that would get stuck on the lifts, or break her leg. My husband is more of an action man and wants to do a ski holiday one day. I plan to stay in a log cabin with a roaring fire, hot chocolate, and a good book. That’s my kind of ski holiday. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      March 24, 2017 / 9:40 pm

      If you ever do the ski holiday, you’ll probably love some bits, and hate some bits! The hot choc and roaring fire bits are very very good. The early starts and climbing up freezing cold mountains, not so much! Thx for having me at #FridayFrolics – always good to have a chuckle x

  8. March 24, 2017 / 3:57 pm

    Lol I think I’ll stay indoors with the cheesy baguettes and the vodka – have fun on the slopes 😉 #FridayFrolics

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      March 24, 2017 / 9:38 pm

      Good idea – cheesy baguettes and vodka are the way forward. The more vodka, the better the whole thing seems! Thx for commenting x

  9. March 24, 2017 / 5:28 pm

    Bahahaha, I was nearly tempted by a ski holiday this year I realise now that this would be madness. This desire for a ski holiday was borne out of my desire to relieve my youth as I once went on a ski trip with the school when I was 15, to Austria. I fell madly in love with my ski instructor Jono but he sounds very much like your ski instructor. Perhaps they are the same! I too tried to flirt but he was not impressed by my braces or spotty face. #FridayFrolics

  10. March 25, 2017 / 2:24 pm

    We have failed miserably as parents and managed to not introduce our teens to the joy that is skiing despite having friends with houses in Morzine and frequent invitations to join them. I skiied as a teen with my school but frankly hated every second of it and my husband is an Eddie The Eagle double, so it’s not that we can’t ski we just hung up our skis a while ago and were never tempted back. It is addictive though and as you say as soon as you finish one holiday you are quickly booking the next. I love your tongue in cheek analysis – you have to be able to laugh at yourself or what is the point?!! Thanks for linking again Susie. #TweensTeensBeyond

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