Are Massages Even Relaxing?

Are Massages Even Relaxing

I love a good massage, or at least I think I do. What’s not to love? 

A whole blissful hour (or ninety minutes if I’m feeling crazy decadent) all to myself.

Just me. Nobody else to think about. Nobody’s nose or other body parts to wipe, and that’s just Mr S.H.I.T.

Nobody expecting instant answers to vital questions such as, ‘Do you think Moana has nits?’ Nobody expecting me to know where everything is (I do, however, secretly pride myself on this skill of mine acquired since motherhood). 

Just me on my own, being pampered. 

And I love to be touched – Mr S.H.I.T. might beg to differ, but I do. Not in a pervy way, but in the way it feels nice when my daughter does my hair, or plays doctors on me. It tickles when she puts the blood pressure monitor on. 

But I’m beginning to question whether I really do love massages, or if, in fact, this de-stressing treat actually stresses me out. 

So here’s why:

The rush to get my kit off

We inevitably walk into a dimmed room smelling of lavender and I’m told to get myself settled.

The masseuse (or masseur which really stressed me out one time) will say, ‘I’ll be back in a few moments.’ But what exactly does a few moments mean?

Do I have five minutes or exactly thirty seconds? I don’t want to be caught short, nudey bum in the air, so I panic change.

Quick, quick, quick, she (or he) could walk in at any moment. Obviously a far bigger stress if it’s a he. 

It’s carnage in the room as I rip my clothes off, put the paper knicks on the wrong way, try to yank my wedding ring off, and all in under three seconds. 

Of course, I’m then left lying on the bed for a further ten minutes, trying to get my heart rate down. 

The hole in the bed

Now this is just never relaxing. That hole is uncomfortable no matter how many times I adjust my position.

My face is squished down into a non face-friendly space, and I’m left with ring marks on my cheeks. 

Trying to enjoy every minute and relax 

Once I’ve accepted the face hole discomfort, it’s time to relax. I only have fifty minutes left now having wasted ten minutes on trying to relieve the squashed face thing. 

Must relax, live in the moment, switch off, be mindful. 

But what’s this, hundreds of random thoughts are flying into the motherhead. No, no, no, this cannot be.

This is not the time to be worrying whether Mr S will remember to get the kids to put the tops back on the new hugely expensive Smiggle pens, or will he, in fact, still be horizontally watching football while the kids are attached to iPaddy all afternoon? Blood pressure is now off the scale.

And then there are the downright trivial ones that I can’t control, along the lines of whatever happened to Mr Claypole from Rentaghost or has Donald Trump installed a spray tan booth in the White House and is anyone else allowed to use it?

Not important right now. RELAX.

Flip over

Just as I’m trying to banish all thoughts from the crazy head, I hear those dreaded words gently whispered, ‘It’s time to flip over.’

The stress levels fire up as I attempt to do this with an element of decorum, while clutching the tiny towel to avoid any boob reveal.

It’s impossible. And as I clumsily heave myself onto my back (there’s no light pancake-like ‘flipping’ here), the heart rate is sky high again.

Worried about the masseuse /  masseur 

Then I find myself concerning over the wellbeing of the masseuse. Poor thing, what a horrible job having to massage my body all over. And so boring. Must actually be quite exhausting, especially on her poor achey fingers.

Wonder what made her go into this line of work? Is she feeling job satisfaction or clock watching all the way?

Then they cut it short

And then before I know it, just as I’m finally switching off, I feel the gentle press down on both feet to tell me it’s all over and would I like a glass of water?

I’m obviously meant to be in a comatosed state of sublime relaxation. But I agitatedly grab my watch from the robe pocket, because no way was that the full hour.

And lo and behold, just as I thought, there’s still exactly three minutes till the hour is up, and all that precious time was wasted at the beginning filling in the annoying form to confirm that I don’t have high blood pressure.

Though I do now. I rest my case.

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25 Comments

  1. Rach
    May 2, 2017 / 11:02 am

    Just brilliant. Always, always have the face-hole discomfort twinned with concern for wellbeing of Masseuse moments. Another 👌Mrs S.H.I.T. X

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 2, 2017 / 11:05 am

      I thought you might have the face hole issue too Rach and worrying about the poor masseuse!! Thank you for your gorge comment. I shall be wondering how you’re coping next time we have a massage. xxxx

  2. May 2, 2017 / 2:47 pm

    I spend at least 3/4 of an massage trying to make my self relax by sternly talking to myself “JUST R E L AX… ” in a totally unrelaxing manner.
    Last one was a back massage, so of course I hadn’t shaved my legs as it was March AKA winter so why would you?!?! The lady folded back the towel on my legs and started to touch my feet.. I was laying there rigid with fear that she was going to move to my legs that were like a cactus. She thankfully only went to my ankles, not sure if she had seen state of my legs or the weird mini foot thing was part of it all.

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 5, 2017 / 6:22 am

      LOLing at the cactus leg situ – soooo stressful! I’ve been there, just not relaxing for one minute. I always try to tell myself that they’ve not caring they’re just doing their job etc but it doesn’t help. Thanks for reading and commenting Jo. My site design looks amazing btw, I wonder what clever person designed it? xx

  3. May 4, 2017 / 2:17 pm

    Lol. Yeah I feel guilty that people don’t want to be doing these things to me. Like who the fuck am I! Some lay of leisure with my slaves massaging me lol. I’ve only been once 😂😂😂 I felt the same when I used to go for Hopi ear candle tho with a follow up face massage.

    This is well funny. I need to book a full body. I wouldn’t want a man tho. I felt confused enough after the one and only full body I’ve had by a girl. I’ve only ever been touched/massages by my hubs so it felt nice but I was like erm confusing. It’s not sexual lol.

    I was also constantly worried about farting lol

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 5, 2017 / 6:07 am

      This has made me laugh! When I realised I had a man once for a full body, I couldn’t cope honestly, I was a nervous wreck. As if he was even looking at my middle aged bod but still! I realised it was the first time a man has touched me since meeting Mr S.H.I.T. and that was a long time ago! Thanks for giving me a chuckle and for commenting xx

  4. May 5, 2017 / 8:45 am

    Haha, I’m exactly the same. However, I fear that I will fall asleep and start snoring or become so relaxed that I do a smelly fart. I know, Im such a lady. None of these happen because I am too highly strung and spend the whole time worrying about these things happening! #FridayFrolics

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 12:26 pm

      Oh not the fart situation! I am feeling your pain. That would just be too awful. I am more of a hairy leg worrier to be honest. Thanks for commenting #fridayfrolics

  5. May 5, 2017 / 7:47 pm

    I’m still glad I had one and feel better for it. I need it too. #FridayFrolics

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 12:27 pm

      I always love booking them and the idea for me is almost worth it, as I get so excited. It’s just the actual time I’m in there, I don’t relax at all! Thx for reading and commenting x

  6. May 6, 2017 / 7:24 pm

    I have only had a massage once. And it hurt. It really bloody hurt. It was the least relaxing thing I have ever done! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 3:55 pm

      I’m laughing Claire – not at your pain obviously (!) but that it was the least relaxing thing you’ve ever done! I’ve never had pain, just stress that the masseuse will be revolted by my hairy legs! Thx for commenting x

  7. mommyhomemanager
    May 8, 2017 / 8:57 pm

    Haha. I love the honesty behind this. I personally don’t even bother trying to “clear my mind” to relax anymore. When I go to yoga, I relax by making todo lists and grocery lists in my head. I don’t think I know how to not be productive anymore!
    Thanks for sharing. #globalblogging

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 3:53 pm

      Am laughing that you don’t even pretend to relax anymore – I think that might be where I’m going wrong. I need to use the time like you do, and get my to do lists sorted in the motherhead! Thx for commenting x

  8. May 10, 2017 / 9:17 pm

    This did make me laugh! The bit at the beginning is always a courtesy that becomes a marathon of taking your clothes off in the messiest way possible! Then you get payback at the end and have to go out with your clothes on inside out even though they say ‘no rush’ because you don’t want them to think that you aren’t rushing. Have a facial next time – you get to keep your kit on!!!! Thanks for joining #tweensteensbeyond

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 3:52 pm

      Totally agree Nicky, facials are definitely the way forward – now with them I really do relax – no getting your kit off and no funny face hole thing! thx for commenting xx

  9. May 11, 2017 / 8:43 am

    I love a massage but hate the whole bit with the towels, the face hole and the fear that you’ll leave something behind in the rush to get out of there afterwards so they’re not late for their next appointment. Ah well …

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 12:28 pm

      I love it – you’re like me, you’re so busy worrying whether they’ll be late for THEIR next appointment! Thx for the comment x

  10. May 11, 2017 / 11:40 pm

    It definitely stresses me out! But that’s because I HATE them! I hate them! I don’t understand what is supposed to be relaxing about a stranger annoying you! I am a true introvert – I do not like random people in my space. I like spa hotels for the atmosphere, pools and wandering around in dressing gowns, but god forbid anyone try to touch me in one! I’m like ‘Yeah, I’d love a facial – hand me the mask and GET OUT. I can put mud on my own face!’ Yes, I am odd!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 12:30 pm

      My husband is the same as you – I once booked one for him as a romantic surprise on his birthday and when he found out his face drained of all colour and he froze – said he couldn’t do it! HATES people in his personal space and touching him (except me obvs, sometimes!!). Thx for the comment x

  11. May 12, 2017 / 11:46 am

    haha this is great! You’ve explained very well many of the reasons why I don’t enjoy massages!! 🙂 Thanks for linking to #GlobalBlogging

    • Susie | So Happy In Town
      May 12, 2017 / 12:31 pm

      Glad it’s not just me! Thx for hosting and commenting x

  12. May 12, 2017 / 8:47 pm

    My last masseuse talked my ear off the whole time. He was a retired 60 year old factory worker that had taken up massage as a second career. I swear it was the worst experience yet. Thanks for linking up to #globalblogging.

  13. Absolutely with you on this one! I hate them. It’s the having to get dressed and rush back to normal life that I hate the most. Loved every word of this. Thanks so much for sharing with us at #TweensTeensBeyond

  14. May 15, 2017 / 7:58 am

    Totally hate massages for all those reasons and was horrified recently when I went to have a facial and found that they had incorporated a head and shoulder massage, since when was that a thing? I always find as well that massages make me slightly ill afterwards which must be as a result of all those toxins being dispersed around my body. In defence of the massage I did enjoy a lovely one on a beach in the Maldives with my husband many years ago but not sure if that had more to do with the surroundings than anything else. Thanks for linking Susie. #TweensTeensBeyond

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